Day 107

Tonight, words fail me. I’ll be keeping this one short so I don’t need to keep reliving that moment again in my head.

What happened tonight was the most sickening experience of my life (apart from granny being ill in hospital but you’ll know all about that by the time you read this).

You were out for a cuddle with mummy and daddy and we were all having such a nice time with you and those big bright eyes and then it happened. You coughed like any normal baby would then all the alarms started going off. Your pulse dropped below 50 and your oxygen saturations were below 15 instead of your usual 100. You tried to cry but there wasn’t enough oxygen circulating around you and you just kept making these tiny noises.

The nurse quickly put you back in your incubator and hit the emergency button. Before I knew it you were completely blue from head to toe. 7 or so people were round your incubator and they pulled the screens round you so no one else could look in.

They cranked up your oxygen and pressures and had the bag out to resuscitate you. For the first time, I genuinely thought you were gone.

Once you came round you were fine. You cried for a while since you have yourself such a fright. Had a feed later and were fine. Then it happened again.

You’re fine now.

My heart. Is breaking.
I’m positive I will never be the same person again. I’ll be stronger that’s for sure but emotionally I feel like a different person.
I feel numb. That’s about it. Numb.

No one should EVER have to go through this.

The sick babies hospital still doesn’t have a bed for you but they are hopeful for tomorrow. You NEED to be at that hospital ASAP. I can’t ever see that again. Ever.

Day 104

Olivia, what are you doing to me?

I woke up this morning to a phone call from the hospital advising me that you had been moved back into ICU again 😦

Just when I thought you were getting your sleep study done so you could come home to me.  They told me that you had been struggling through the night and were just too tired.  We came to the hospital to see you in the afternoon and the consultant told me that after looking at your X-Ray, they could see partial lung collapse again.  You have been put back in your incubator for the 4th time and back on to high flow to try open up your lungs again and give you a bit of a break.

Honestly, I just don’t understand.

I genuinely believe there is only so much heartache that a human can sustain at one time before they lose it completely.

I’m pretty sure I’m there.  I’m at my limit and I sure as shit can’t do this any more, Olivia. I’m terrified to ever bring you home now.  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  I can’t keep getting my hopes up at the thought of you doing well and possibly coming home to me to only have my hopes crushed.  That’s pretty much how i feel – crushed.  I couldn’t get out my bed this morning for 3 hours.  I just lay there and cried my heart out.  104 days without my baby is killing me.  I forget what it’s like to smile and laugh… and mean it.  I cried more than you did today in the hospital any time a nurse asked me what you were doing back in ICU.  This isn’t right. It’s just not right.  I KNOW you are in the best place at the moment but that’s what is so upsetting.  I hate the best place for you isn’t at home with me.  We came back to see you tonight and after you were fed you just lay on my chest for an hour so content.  I find it so so sad that I can’t let myself imagine what it will be like to hold you like that at home.

Please get stronger baby, I need you.

Day 89

Not much to report on you tonight sweetie.
You’re still in ICU.
Still in your incubator.

No more incidents today which is great. You are back at your 3 hourly feeds and are being encouraged to suck them all which you’re managing apart from when you’re tired.

Hopefully you will get put back in a side room tomorrow and no more steps back little lady. Mummy’s heart can’t take much more of this!

Love you darling.

Day 88

Well you got moved back to a side room this morning after a night of being calm and settled.

Mummy and daddy came up to see you tonight…. Just as you were being wheeled back in to intensive care…. Again.

The nice nurse was giving you a cuddle while she fed you through your tube. She seen your stats drop and she unwrapped your blanket to see you had gone so pale and had stopped breathing. You got rushed back to ICU so they can keep an eye on you. Your feeds have been put back to 2 hourly to see if that helps.

Keep fighting Olivia please.

I want you to be okay.
I need you to be okay.
I can’t keep doing this.

Day 83

It’s really strange to think your due date is next week. I can’t imagine what I’d be like if I was still pregnant. I miss it. As sick as I was, I miss it.

You’re 4lb 15oz now. Still tiny. You still wouldn’t fit in your up to 5lb clothes. Tiny totey.

Your pressures are down to 4 and on no oxygen which is good. I hope they are not reducing you too quickly. I know you’re getting bigger and that means you’re getting stronger but I’ll be so gutted if you take these backwards steps again. I hate that you’re still in the incubator. Everything seemed more real when you were in the cot. I felt like you might actually come home one day.

Still on 1 hourly feeds. You’re just so unsettled with an empty tummy. It’s heartbreaking.

You have runny poop and they think you have a bug. Tests are being ran so they know how to help you. and you smell funny. I noticed it immediately and so did one of the nurses. Probably because you have an infection and have been all sweaty. I hope they increase your feeds again soon. I love you Olivia. I want to stop crying but I can’t. I miss my baby. I want you home. I want you to be better so can come home.

Day 82

Always with the steps backwards.

They have put you back on high flow.
Your pressures are at 8. They have never been that high before 😦

You’re still incubated.

They said you were really clammy and just working so hard they had no choice but you to put you back on the high flow.

Your feeds have been put back to 1 hourly 😞 eugh.

You’ve been put on antibiotics as they think you might have a chest infection.

What is going on Olivia? Upset doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel right now. How can this be happening? You were doing so well and as usual I had my hopes up. I’m just so tired. I’m tired of being at that hospital. I’m tired of feeling like I’m empty. I’m tired of being tired.

You were so unsettled today since you won’t be feeling full. Just crying all the time. It’s the worst feeling ever. You calmed down and went to sleep as soon as I got you out for a cuddle.

Please get better Olivia.

Please.

Day 81

Well little lady; mummy and daddy finished off your nursery today. Just waiting on a rug to be delivered then it’s all finished. The only thing missing, (apart from the rug) is you!

When we came to see you this afternoon, your chart had shown that you had sucked most of your feeds. However on your last one you sucked about 5ml then had an incident. Pulse went down quite low so they decided just to stick to the tube feed.

You were so calm and so sleepy the whole time we were. No issues nothing.

The hospital phoned us at 10:30pm tonight to tell us that you were choking and holding your breath so you were moved back into ICU so the nurses could keep a close eye on you. Apparently your stats dropped down below 20 and they had to push the emergency button so all the medical staff rushed to you. You were all pale and required free flow oxygen for 10 minutes and quite a bit of nudging you to bring you back around. Mummy and daddy came straight back up to see you, that’s us just leaving. You looked absolutely fine. Just sucks seeing you back in an incubator again. Hopefully you are okay during the night and can get put back in your side room again soon.

After spending the day finishing off your room and washing your clothes etc I was so happy and really just excited. Then this happens and I feel stupid for getting my hopes up.

Day 60

Day 60. Can you believe it?

Your blood transfusion definitely helped, you are so pink again 😊

Anyway, there’s nothing really to update you on. You’re still stable and tolerating your feeds amazingly. The nurse watching you tonight said they might try and bottle feed you since you keep sucking your dummy like crazy when being fed.

Went to see your wee cousin today. She officially has a name. Jessica Rose Johnston. She’s gorgeous and still so tiny although she feels HUGE in my arms compared you.

Still have the cold so still haven’t been able to hold you. Daddy got a wee cuddle though.

Day 51

Not much to report today little lady.

You’re still doing so well. You now weigh 3lb 2oz!! That means your feeds have been increased to 10.5ml an hour and you’re loving it! I fact the nurses keep saying that 10 mins after you’ve been fed, you keep sticking your fists in your mouth wanting more milk. Just you keep growing and then you can have more!

The lump on your arm looks better today. I think it will probably be gone in a few days fingers crossed.

Mummy and daddy are still sick with this cold. I think im getting better. Maybe just a few more days before I can get you out for a cuddle ❤️

Day 50

Happy 7 weeks out mummy’s tummy baby.

I cannot believe how quickly time has gone by. Honestly it’s terrifying.

Whatever the thing is on your arm doesn’t look so swollen today. The Drs think it might be an abscess but hasn’t been diagnosed. Your infection indicators have reduced since yesterday so it looks like the antibiotics are working anyway.

Your pressures have been reduced to 5 and will be reduced again at 11pm to 4.5. They will reduce it every 12 hours if you cope. Once you reach 2 you get taken off it completely and will be doing everything on your own……. I don’t want to get my hopes up but that means in like 2 days you could reach a major milestone.

Maybe you will even be home by your due date in January. Argh I want to be happy and excited but I’m trying to push those feelings away so I don’t get hurt if you go backwards again.

You’re doing so well.
Mummy and daddy just want you home. We need Olivia cuddles!