Day 100

Happy 100 days Olivia

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I’m so upset

You failed your sleep study. The consultant said it was disappointing. As a result you’ve been put back on oxygen and will not be coming home without the oxygen.

I know it’s not a big deal and everyone keeps saying it’s fine, who cares. But I care. I care so much. I’m still trying to get over what happened in the first place. I don’t want to need to deal with you home on oxygen. I don’t want to need to deal with all your medications and remember what times and what days you need certain drugs. I’m not trying to sound sorry for myself.. I just wanted something to go right. I just want my baby home with no problems. I’m so f*****g fed up of all of this. I wanted the perfect pregnancy and now all I am is scared.

100 days.

100 days you’ve been alive and every minute spent in a hospital. I love you so much Olivia. All of these tears tonight are because I love you and I want YOU to have an easy life. I want you to just be okay.

I had such a different picture in my head for tonight. I pictured you passing your test and being so happy. Not to be sitting crying my eyes out again.

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6 thoughts on “Day 100

  1. Happy 100 day birthday Olivia.

    Kim, I’m so sorry the sleep study wasn’t successful.

    I know you’re hurting, please please remember….”if you have life, you can handle anything”.

    That’s one of the only sayings that kept me going when setback after setback came my way. As long as Arran was alive…. I would handle things.

    Going home on oxygen sucks, but, at least you don’t have to place an NGT(probably one of the most horrific things I’ve had to do in my life) but it’s the only way I could get Arran home…..and I would have done anything!!

    My dad is lighting candles at mass for your wee family.

    It gets better. I promise it does.

    PS. Write everything down the way you do in hospital. That way you won’t miss medicine timings.
    Cripes. 20 months down the line and I still do it for feeding and meds xxxxxxxxx

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    • Thank you Mary. Ive watched them put the NGT in olivia and i could mever watch it again let alone do it myself.

      I hope Arran os doing well, ive not seen Arlene in a while. Will need to pop into work soon and see her xxxxxxx

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  2. You have every reason to be scared and pissed off as much as you have every reason to be hopeful! Look how far your little girl has come in these 100 days! I know on day one you were so worried and couldn’t imagine staying 100 days. But the good thing is, when they turn corners it just happens so quick. One day this will be all behind you. I completely understand how terrible it is to be without your baby at home. It is especially hard when it is your first because you feel so cheated. I promise you this will make your love so so much stronger. I can honestly tell you (and I’m not just saying it) I truly think about you and your little girl and your family often. I hope someday soon you can be home and experience more normalcy. You certainly deserve it!

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    • Thank you. I know i still cant believe she has come so far. Its hard to accept its the same baby! She is so amazing i just want her to live a happy little life with no worries. Although im sure she wont be worried and it will jist be me haha. Cant imagine the day she comes home.

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  3. Happy 100 day Birthday Olivia! I am so sorry she did not pass the sleep study 😦 I was thinking of her that day. Ofcourse you are upset, you have every right to be. 100 days is too much to be in the NICU (even 1 day is too much…) and ofcourse you were hoping that at least after her discharge you would get to finally enjoy her without a care in the world. But you can do it, you are strong and you can do anything!

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