Day 39

I knew it. I just knew it. It was far too good to be true.

We phoned NICU this morning to get an update on you after your incident last night. The nurse told us that they thought you had an infection again so they stopped your feeds (again) and put you on antibiotics. We were advised that the consultant wanted to speak to us when we came in to see you.

When we turned up at the hospital we found that you had gotten worse and had to be put back on the ventilator. The consultant has told us that you have taken a turn for the worst. It has been confirmed that you have NEC. You had a few more serious incidents overnight with your breathing so they had to keep an eye on you. The doctors took an X-ray of your tummy and said it was considerably worse than the last time you had a mild bowel infection. We have been told to prepare for any changes as it can happen very quickly. I have given consent for them to do what they need to do should the worst happen. If the antibiotics don’t work it would result in surgery which means you would need part or all of your intestines removed.

We came back to see you a few hours ago and you were having another blood transfusion (you looked better and seemed stable). Although you’re on a lot of morphine, you were still wriggling about. The consultant is relying on you to help him so keep it up!

I can’t explain properly how it felt standing there this morning getting told “it doesn’t look good”. As soon as he walked away I broke down. Sitting by your box with daddy crying my eyes out. I keep getting told that it will be okay but unless you are faced with this yourself, you’ll never understand. Never. My baby girl. My first child. My everything, is fighting for her life and I can’t do a damn thing. I can barely feel myself breathing. ‘Empty’ is probably the right word. That’s how I feel – empty. My heart jumps into my mouth every time my phone rings incase it’s the hospital. It’s such a horrible feeling. The worst feeling.

Please keep fighting Olivia.
We love you.

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